Junk Email

Posted on Thursday 7th December 2006 at 00:00
******This post contains more than average amounts of bad language and may offend some readers & especially those called Wayne. Proceed with caution!******

To: Whoever Keeps Sending Me Junk Email

I know you'll never read this, and if you did would probably just start mailing me twice as much, but I don't care. I'm sick to death of you and your counterproductive antisocial cyber behaviour. It's not big and it's not clever to repeatedly mail millions of people with incoherent, not worth reading, probably illegal bullshit. No one reads the crap you write. If you were the only person on Earth to be allowed to send emails as well as receive them and you had the address of every person on the planet, you would still not get any readers. You are a complete waste of time. Not just your own time. Not just mine (which is infinitely more valuable than yours). You are wasting the time of every God-damn computer user whose had the misfortune to wander onto the internet since you've had your computer.

In case you don't quite understand exactly what it is I'm saying, allow me to clarify for you. I am not interested in any of the following 'offers?:

  • Dodgy stock market info & even if it was genuine I wouldn't take it from you because I probably have a far better understanding of finance than you will ever have;

  • Pirated computer software, being sold for nearly the cost of the original & I already download all the software I need for free and if I was prepared to pay for it I'd get up off my fat ass and go to the shops;

  • A new job & unlike you, I already have a job that probably earns me a lot more than you get from your stupid little scams;

  • A Penis Enlargement & although I don't claim to set any records in the size department, I at least have enough of a dick to make it worthwhile going out into the world and using it once in a while, which is clearly more than you do;

  • Cheap Drugs & caffeine is already cheap thank you very much;

  • A loan & I'm not thick as shit, so I don't borrow money from blatant loan sharks;

  • Viagra & I don't have trouble getting it up, although maybe if your dad did we wouldn't have this problem in the first place;

  • I hope this clears up some of the misconceptions you appear to have about me, although I doubt it since there are probably too many long words here for you to understand what I'm saying.

    Just remember this: If the people you piss off every day with your stupid waste of space emails ever catch up to you, you will regret your behaviour for a very long time indeed.

    To: Anyone Who Is Stupid Enough To Be Scammed By Spammers

    I've always felt that using a computer and the internet is rather like driving a car: Not understanding how it all works is not an excuse for doing it badly. If you don't know how to drive you don't shrug and say 'Well, I'm sure it doesn't matter if I drive well or not', you just don't drive. In the same way, if you do not fully understand a computer and the internet, you should not under any circumstances use one unless supervised by someone who does know what they are doing. I'm not saying you need to be a computer programmer to send an email, of course you don't. But you do need to watch the news whenever a feature about spammers is on. And you do need to make a mental note of what to look for to avoid being caught out. And you do need to seek further advice on such things if you?re not entirely sure you know what you are doing.

    If every person who used the internet knew how to protect themselves against spam, and did so, junk email would dry up in a week. There simply wouldn't be any point in these people carrying on their pathetic little habits. But this simply isn't the case. Instead the number of people being caught out and giving away all their money is actually on the increase! It seems yet more and more ignorant people are venturing onto the net without first seeking out proper training and are being caught as a result. As long as these trends continue SPAMMERS WILL NOT GIVE UP! They have no reason to. They are earning a fortune everyday from the sorts of idiots who won't apply a little logic to their time online and do the sensible thing by ignoring them. Like a spoilt child who is playing up; if you ignore them for long enough they will stop whatever it is they are doing.

    Right now I'm sorry but I have to class people who fall for these scams in the same category as people who go on the net without adequate anti-virus software and firewalls & something which I'd argue should be a criminal offense. People, get yourselves sorted and stop being so bloody irresponsible! You?re spoiling it for all of us!

    To: Everyone Else

    Sorry about this. I appreciate that I sound exactly like the young, arrogant, irritating youth that I probably am with this pointless hot headed rant, but it has to be said. At quarter past 4 this afternoon I decided to stop deleting my junk mail to see how many I'd receive. Since then I've had 12, including 2 whilst I've been writing this post. That is well over one an hour. What a complete waste of bandwidth!

    I've decided to name our stereo-typical spammer Wayne, not because I think that is what his name is & I imagine it is something I can't even pronounce, as given the using of spelling and grammar in these emails, I'm assuming they aren't from an English speaking country & but because pretty much everyone I've ever met called Wayne has been a total arse-wipe, a waste of space and an ideal candidate for a new government fast track scheme: From Womb to Prison. No offense to anyone called Wayne of course. If you are reading this and your name is Wayne then it seems you can actually read, which puts you beyond the reach of the illiterate scrote-bags I'm stereo-typing here.

    I used to boast to my friends that because my email account existed on a totally unheard of domain, Wayne had been unable to find me, and for nearly three years this was largely true. Since launching the blog though, everything has changed. It seems I am so damn popular with the search engines that anyone looking for an email address to send turds-in-cyber-envelopes to can find my address. The price of fame I guess.

    If anyone has come up with some good and reliable methods for blocking junk email/hunting down and brutally murdering anyone involved in the sending of junk email, please let me know via the comments form. Until then, we return to our regular programming.

    Thanks for listening.

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