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Growing Up

Posted on Friday 27th October 2006 at 00:00
As an alternative to doing the sensible thing and sleeping, I find myself battling to churn out the first half decent post in a week. The time, according to my system clock is 01:19 and I have to get up for lectures at 6:45. I glance around at my surroundings, taking in the changes that have most recently occurred. The walls nearest my desk, once bare and uninteresting have, since a few hours ago been covered with a multitude of photographs, letters, fliers and post cards. The most tangible memorabilia from my recent friendships.

I am growing up and experiencing changes in my life as I do so. Though I am unable to perceive any great change in myself recently, either in my physical appearance, which has changed little over the last couple of years, save for a slight weight increase, or in my mind, which is as much a mystery to me now as ever it was, outside of myself the changes are as fast paced, violent and disconcerting as a tropical storm, ripping through my little world and leaving devastation in its wake.

Of all the changes going on, the most glaringly obvious, even to myself has been the near total collapse of my old friendships and the blatant failure to repair or replace them. It is a fact of life that as time progresses the people you associate with will come and go and I'd long been prepared for the fact that the friends I left 6th form with two years ago probably weren't going to be with me right up until the day I died. However, at no point did I foresee a total breakdown in relations within the course of one year, nor (more surprisingly to me) the breakdown in my own levels of caring.

I've been very close to my friends for some years now and so far as I could tell, as last year drew to a close, things were getting better for me with every day that passed. Somehow, in the intervening months between then and now these friendships appear to have all but petered out. It isn't that I'm actively not speaking to anyone anymore, simply that there appears to be no inclination upon either party to actively pursue the friendship.

In some ways this has been a good thing for me. I'm now much more capable of providing my own entertainment and less prone to the crippling pangs of loneliness that only a few months ago were a constant feature of any and all time I spent by myself. However, I find myself becoming increasingly concerned by my apparent unwillingness to put any effort into socialising or building relationships at all. Indeed, even with regards to my housemates, I find myself unable to be suitably cheerful, pleasant or polite in their company, and find myself shying away from spending any more time with them than is strictly necessary. This marks an almost complete turnaround for me and not a pleasant one, almost to the point of suspecting myself of gradually becoming a recluse.

At uni things appear to be even worse. I'm still aware of when I need to say and do things to help promote friendships & when to suggest an evening out, offer a lift or recommend lunching together - but I seem unable to make the effort, almost as though I don't care in the slightest whether my relationships sink or swim. It probably isn't much better news that I am quite blatantly making no effort to find myself a girlfriend, almost to the point of discouraging potential candidates to come near me in my manners and body language.

It isn't just my interactions with other people that have changed recently. Additionally my thoughts on the future are less to do with my remaining time at uni and trying to emulate the student lifestyle and more to do with potential career options, job interviews and the work life balance. I strongly suspect that I may well be more than ready to move on long before I graduate, and it is only the pressures of trying to succeed in the job market that keep me pressing on with my degree.

Growing up is all very well and good, but I think I seriously need to get some aspects of my life back in check, or I'm going to suffer for it later on. I also need to do something interesting enough as to allow me to write posts that aren't completely self indulging.

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