Troublesome Toast

Posted on Thursday 6th September 2007 at 00:00
In life, there are many great unanswered questions to be found: 'Is there a god??; 'Why is there pain and suffering in the world??; 'Do we have an immortal soul that wanders the Earth after our bodies die??; 'What time is McDonalds Drive-Tru on the Filton Retail Park open til on a Friday night?? etc.

Perhaps the most important of all these questions; the one crucial for maintaining a balanced order in the universe, without which everything will collapse in on itself and be destroyed, is this:

Why is my toaster square when loaves of bread are always rectangular?

I bought myself a toaster the other day from Sainsbury's for about '5. At the same time, I also purchased a loaf of medium cut wholemeal bread. You'd think, seeing as both products came from the same store and how such things are generally used together on most occasions, that maybe the bread and the toaster would have been designed to go together.

Apparently not.

Unfortunately the designers of this toaster, which in most respects is typical of the sort of appliance that you can buy for the same price almost anywhere on the high street, were often ill as children, and so sadly missed the lesson at nursery school in which all the other kids were taught that rectangular things do not fit inside square things, especially if that latter is particularly small by comparison.

Whilst I acknowledge that this gap in the basic understanding of geometry would have been a more serious concern for children growing up to be architects, it nonetheless presents me with a difficulty when I wish to make myself some toast.

After much experimentation, I find myself left with two options: either I place the bread in the toaster with the long side vertical and the short side horizontal, in which case half the bread sticks out the top of the toaster and remains uncooked, or I force the blasted thing in the other way round, in which case it goes all the way in, gets stuck and burns.

If that choice wasn't bad enough, the bread I use tends to be frozen and squashed into unusual shapes by the effort of trying to cram as much into the freeze box as possible, so even if I settle on the first option, the bread usually jams in the toaster anyway, with the bottom still being burnt whilst the top remains frozen.

Surely I can't be the only to have noticed this problem?

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