Smoking Ban

Posted on Sunday 1st July 2007 at 00:00
I write this the day after a third terrorist attack in Britain this week. Fortunately there has been no loss of life and only very minor damage so far, but nonetheless the Nation's terror alert status has been upped to Critical, and our new PM has asked us all to remain vigilant in case of future attempted attacks.

Today Gordon Brown confirmed that the authorities believe the attacks to have come from Al-Qaeda, in their latest attempt to wage war on the West. But I have my own theories about that. It seems to me that if this were the work of regular terrorists, they'd have chosen slightly more significant dates on which to carry out their attacks.

After all, if this spate of violence was in response to Gordon Brown coming to power, surely the attacks would have been on the day that he came to power, ie the 27th June, not the 29th. You can't tell me that the terrorists were caught by surprise at the change of leader and needed a day or two to prepare. If so they must have been the only ones caught out, as the rest of us heard the announcement weeks ago.

The other suggestion has been that it is a response to the second anniversary of the 7/7 London bombings. But, call me a bit funny in the head if you will, when you decide to celebrate an anniversary, don't you usually do so on the correct day? As far as I know, the only people who don't follow this time honoured tradition are the sorts of men who forget their own wedding anniversaries. Is it possible that the terrorists are simply a collection of bad husbands?

Well, perhaps, but I have a better idea. The attacks in London and Glasgow have nothing to do with either Brown or 7/7. They are actually a form of political commentary on the other great event taking place this weekend. That's right, the smoking ban. All this time MI5 and the police have been profiling Islamic extremists and have completely forgotten about that other group of angry people willing to break the law or even kill people to satisfy their obsessions.

Really it has been staring us all in the face. Smokers are angry people. Not only have they been driven out of every bar, club, restaurant, office block and other place of work, but on the very day they are told to 'take it outside', it is pissing it down with rain. If I was a crazed psychopath, bent on destroying myself and everyone around me whilst irritated beyond all belief by the cold turkey symptoms of suddenly being starved of nicotine for the first time since I was 5 years old, I'd be pretty well ready to go to extreme lengths to satisfy my addiction.

Already the BBC is reporting that some pubs are defying the new laws. I can't help but wonder; if they are prepared to go to such extreme measures as lighting up when they shouldn't, who's to say they wouldn't take the next logical step and try and blow people up. And so to the terror attacks. The two car bombs that were discovered in London, full of petrol and gas cylinders and nails, whilst incredibly alarming, were not designed to go off. Instead they were merely commenting on the dangers faced by smokers who have to resort now to smoking in their cars.

As for the burning jeep that smashed into the terminal building at Glasgow airport, what could be more obvious than the message they were trying to convey with their Molotov Cocktails? ?We want to light up!?

For all you or I know, they probably aimed their vehicle and the No Smoking sign on the terminal door.

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