Posted on Monday 21st May 2007 at 00:00
This is for any men who've never had the misfortune to use a public toilet and for any women who need yet more proof that men are weird.
The Unspoken Rules Intended for Normal Allocation of Loos (U.R.I.N.A.L)
1. When approaching an occupied bank of urinals, always use the one furthest from any other blokes.
2. If there is someone at each end of the row, use the middle urinal.
3. If there is an even number of urinals, use the cubical instead to make sure you don't have to stand nearer one bloke than another.
4. If there are only two urinals and one is in use, use the cubical instead.
5. If resorting to cubical usage, keep the door open, just to remind everyone that you aren't in there because you have something to hide.
6. If you don't know anyone there, don't say a word and don't make eye contact.
7. If you do know someone in there, or have come in with someone, talk as loudly as you can, in the deepest voice that you can manage about something manly, like football or 'screwing lots of birds?.
8. If you do have to use the urinal next to someone else, move in quickly, with confidence and get on with the business in hand without hesitation. Only gays dither on their way to take a piss.
9. Do not look at your neighbour under any circumstances. Don't even allow your eyes to wander away from looking straight ahead. If you do you will probably get punched.
10. Under no circumstances turn round if someone calls your name. Even if you only move your head to the side, you could be having a size up, which will get you punched, and turning your whole body round is likely to result in you accidentally peeing on someone's shoes, which will also get you punched.
11. When you've finished, shake quickly and effectively. Too much shaking and you?re having a wank, which will get you punched; too little and the effect is much like coiling up a hose pipe before you've allowed it to drain fully, and that doesn't look good down the leg of your trousers as you walk back out to whoever you are with.
12. When all is finished, turn and walk away as quickly as you can. If you feel that washing hands is necessary: make it quick, avoid soap where possible and always wipe them on your trousers rather than waiting for the hand dryer.