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Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Posted on Saturday 21st April 2007 at 00:00
All afternoon and into the evening I've been feeling a little on edge. One might call it a combination of frustration, irritability, nervousness, worry and unhappiness, but put together it isn't exactly any of those things. It's a feeling I get quite often and on most occasions I have managed to cure it.

Basically the feeling seems to be one of inadequacy for whatever reason. A sense that things aren't quite right and that I should in some way be able to improve them. I tend to deal with it on a day to day basis by spending a considerable proportion of my leisure time focusing on improving the environment around me in one way or another, no matter how small.

Most common of all is when I find myself tidying up my room and cleaning the house. Suddenly I'll have a compulsion to do my washing up or dust my desk or mow the lawn, as if by removing the offending mess from my life I can somehow remove the discontentment from inside me.

On occasion I will take this a little further, perhaps by carry out some DIY, rearranging my room or maybe even going shopping. It can be hard to ignore the voice that tells you that the purchase you are about to make will complete you forever, even if you know it isn't really true.

But right now neither shopping nor gardening can help me because this time things are different. A few days ago I took the decision to move out of this house when my contract expires and find somewhere new. I'd been thinking about it for a while now, and when J said that she wasn't going to stay, I figured it was time for me to leave as well.

I don't know where I'll go or who I'll end up living with, nor how I'll pay for it. All I know so far is that I'm going just as soon as I can sort something out for next year. And that is causing me a problem now.

I can't fulfil myself by fixing my environment because it is no longer my environment. Now that I've made the decision to go, there is no longer any point in rearranging my room or planting something in the vegetable patch as I won't be here to enjoy it. Ok so I'll carry on cleaning, but beyond that there is no point in doing anything to change the place I see before me.

And that is incredibly frustrating. I imagine it feels very similar to giving notice to your boss, especially if you are going to work for a rival firm. For a little while you are still doing your job, but from a distance. No one is prepared to talk to you about the future or long term company plans. You are suddenly cut out of all the meetings and all the memos, and all your old friends shun you at lunch times. Soon you start thinking Actually, why am I still here? Wouldn't it have been easier to leave as soon as I said I was leaving? After all I can't do very much here now can I?

I've had a funny old year in this house, but these last few weeks are going to be the oddest of all. I'll have to keep going as normal, living my day to day routine, but all the while becoming subconsciously more detached from the house and the people in it. I'll start wondering about whether it is worth buying food in bulk anymore and if there is any point putting my posters back up when they fall down.

How does one get used to the idea of moving out weeks in advance? Should you plan that far ahead at all, or is it better to do it at very short notice?

I'm so confused!

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