Posted on Sunday 18th March 2007 at 00:00
One of my favourite parts of blogging is going through the statistics for my visitors and finding out how and why they came across my site. Although this has been spoilt recently by the large numbers of hits from people who've received junk email with links to pages on my server that don't exist (thus stopping me from finding out which of the blogs I comment on gets me the most hits), I'm still able to amuse myself once a week or so by finding out which search phrases entered into Google have led people to my site.

Here are a few of my favourites for this week:

why is my shower water getting colder? - There are so many answers I could give to this person, but I can't think of an answer to my own question, which is What in God's name would drive someone to search this on Google?! It beggars belief that someone would actually feel the need to look something like this up on the internet, rather than perhaps, oh I don't know, checking their hot water supply?

huw invented the dynamite - Ok, first things first: how did Google connect this to my blog? I've never once mentioned 'the dynamite? in one of my posts, nor inventions ..... until now of course, when I've written both things twice. Second thing: Although Google is very clever at filtering out spelling mistakes, I don't think even it could get 'who? from 'huw', which is what I assume they were trying to ask. Unless of course, I've got totally the wrong end of the stick. Maybe it isn't a question at all! Perhaps it is a statement. Huw invented the dynamite! Absolutely. If only we'd been given a surname we could all go and thank Huw, whoever he is, for such a fabulous invention.

is my third class degree useless - Clearly written by a graduate trying to get their first proper job it seems. To answer their question: yes. It is probably the most useless waste of three years you could have come up with if you tried. Might I also suggest that the reason you only got a third is because you never learnt to finish a question with a question mark? Good luck getting the job for which you are most suited, and remember: if you?re only going to empty my bins once a fortnight, at least empty them properly! I'm sick to death of coming home from work and finding a load of crap still sitting at the bottom, stinking to high heaven!

drunk flashing - I've got a pretty good idea why this one was being searched for, but they seem to have made a bit of a mistake. What they should have done was change the search from a page search to an image one, and then switched off the safety filter. If they remember this for next time, I'm confident that they'll get exactly what they are after, rather than the comparative disappointment that my dirt-free blog must have been to them.

There were many more interesting and morally questionable searches that found me, but I do have standards to maintain, and repeating them here might just bring in a flood of precisely the wrong type of customer next time Google trawls these pages ;)

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